By Student Yoko Kasai
As I look back on my brief journey of let’s call it, “the pursuit of spirituality” that has occupied my interest for the past five years or so, I can relish into the profundity of the experience. While going through the day-to-day, it often seems as though nothing is happening. No guides appearing, no presence felt, not enough intuition, no getting anywhere. Yet, here I am now with a deep knowing that it’s been happening all the time and continues to reveal itself each day. By it, I mean this invisible energetic consciousness that is ever-present, so supportive, and much more than I could wrap my head around. Today, I’m wildly different than who I was when I started.
I came into CLM not knowing anything. I didn’t understand the language, the rituals, the prayers, the hierarchy, the saints, nor the meaning of Divinity. The wide and varied assortment of people in attendance was fascinating as was the devotion that I so clearly observed. I knew that it was an opportunity to learn and grow and hope that I could someday embody a direct experience of the Divine for myself. Until that happens, it’s really difficult to operate on faith alone, isn’t it?
I’m writing this today to talk a little about my personal experience. One day last year, things started to shift. I started to hear things; a ringing in my head that has continuously gotten louder over time. My newly supersonic hearing would allow me to notice frogs in a stream three blocks away or the buzzing of a fly in the next room. I began to live with a greater awareness of the hum of what I perceive to be the universe. My dreams have led me to a great appreciation of birds; in particular crows and owls, both of which appear daily when I’m out and about. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an owl take flight in front of me before and now it’s almost a weekly occurrence. Oh and snakes… lots and lots of snakes.
At the same time, my fear has dissolved. I used to be gripped with fear that something would happen to my son. I’m sure all mothers feel that at some point but for me, it was my true one and only fear. That’s gone away. I used to be very critical and judgmental and now most days, not at all. I used to be guardedly happy as if the other shoe was going to fall at any moment. Now I’m completely surrendered to whatever is. If I lose all my money, I don’t care. If my house burns down, it’s OK. I just have this inner peace that it’s all going to be fine. I weirdly look forward to death as a doorway to something incredible.
No matter what happens in my day, every day is still a good day and I don’t look back at the past and I don’t look forward to much that is about to happen in the future. I’m also very unconcerned with the flurry of angst, stress, and worry that is often flung my way by family or clients. It’s like I’m an oasis of calm and equanimity. This is what living in the present must feel like.
Most days, I feel very much like an observer in this world rather than an occupant of it; it’s all very interesting. I’m trusting that more will be revealed in time and that there will be more to learn and understand. I feel very unencumbered and at the same time, about to embrace a responsibility that has yet to reveal itself to me. I don’t have many words to describe my experience; this is the first time I’m really “talking” about it. There are very few people who I can say this to who might understand so most days, I’m pretty quiet. When I sit in meditation, the support around me feels strong; almost intense. I have to say, I feel truly blessed. Words that have never been uttered by me before but there’s no other way to describe how I feel each day. Thank you God, guides, and all my teachers and this community.