By Novice Jordana Lazarevic
Children want an honest relationship. To feel loved, to be seen and protected. There has always been a part of me that just loves God. As a child, I loved the light and had so much joy in sharing that light, my light, with others. There were times when I heard keys in the front door, I would run to the front door shouting out “Daddy’s home, Daddy’s home ” other times, it would be putting on a theatrical show in the living room, giving family members a 10-minute curtain call, so all could be gathered together. Those were early examples of me being authentic, in my light.
When I was born, my mother’s post-traumatic stress was triggered, it was then I started compromising my light/truth to be accepted by her. I had to be in a “lesser than” space for her to give me any attention, lesser than meaning being in a worse state than she was, hurt, sick, or injured. This is a pattern she learned from her mother, my grandmother. I learned to start dimming my light.
A child will cling to a dysfunctional parent, for if we are abandoned we die.
I became my mother’s emotional spouse for survival and did everything I could to save her.
I got traumatized over and over as I had an inability to protect myself or set boundaries.
A child cannot bear emotional abuse or abandonment without losing herself.
I built my life on saving my mother and developed a dis-ease called codependency, a loss of self-identity, clinging to her by embodying her stance and taking on her traits. There is no loyalty in self-sacrifice. That is a slow and very painful suicide. I dimmed my light a little more without knowing it, I was shutting my light every time I was silenced. What I learned to do with her, I, in adult life expected this relating to others. And these behaviors would get triggered by people and I would shut down. The shutting down is from old neurological imprints as I clear, I am clearing these childhood traumas I don’t need to shut down, I can stay more in my light more I have more choice. I have more freedom. This freedom creates space to allow me to receive.
Today is my birthday and as a gift to myself, I just completed The Process weekend seminar for the second time. I was reminded that boundaries are not against the person, boundaries are set for a person’s behavior. The Process is a form of deep confession. It takes great courage to go back into charged childhood scenes where knowingly or unknowingly I gave up a part of myself. Either way results in a dimming of the true self. This time my going back into the past is being supported by the process therapists who are an anchoring of compassion and clear, wise insight.
I continue my path of growing in life-giving new awarenesses.
Today, my mother will most likely not call, text, or send a card. I feel a genuine sadness in not having a relationship with my mother but sadness is no longer my dwelling place. It has taken a long time to get to this place and accept that my mother, because of her own wounding, cannot love me unless I am in the “lesser than” space.
You see, I have learned to stabilize and set a healthy boundary with her. A boundary being, a consistent light that allows me to be me. I am no longer available to self-neglect and give myself up. I am now working on these traumas, I am now learning to set a boundary with people that made me feel as though I had to hide my light and getting out of the prison, these have been blocks to my true light, removing these blocks I have compassion for their situation and for the lineage.
Responsibility is “A guiding light,” meaning responding appropriately to circumstances.
Loving God, Awaken me, Let me live my days being a presence of true love and truth wherever I am.
I push, I pull, go back and forth finding myself
Pounding on a locked door
I try to make it out alone without your help
But I know I will never win this war
I can never be, free without you
I will never be, me without you
This is the sound of chains breaking
This is the sound of a heart changing
This is a song of a soul forgiven
This is my freedom hymn….
This is my freedom hymn….