By Student Liza Fox

Santa Ynez Lake, Self Realization Lake Shrine, Pacific Palisades, 2022

When I was a young child, I was afraid to swim. I loved the water but in fear I held to a belief that the shallow end was “just fine”. I enjoyed watching the older kids competitively race and fearlessly play as I would lie on the warm concrete in the sun content. Then one day, I felt an inner “Yes”, got into the pool, pushed off the side and swam the length of the deck. I swam for the entire day and every day after- the freedom of moving my body through the water was unparalleled. This inner child pattern comes from birth and is replicated in my life in different ways, small and more complicated.

In the beginning of the year Reverend Monk Renee told the story of Yeshua and the Man from Bethesda (John 5:1-9). In the story a disabled man sat by healing waters for 38 years, his spirit and legs paralyzed. The man had taken residence in being comfortably uncomfortable in suffering. Despite being a holy day of rest, Yeshua breaks religious law and offers a healing invitation to the man: “Get up and walk”. In the presence of Christ’s Love, the man experiences himself as whole, is instantly healed, and walks. This story set the tone for my year with CLM and generated a curiosity:

What holds me back from receiving God’s Love?

Digging a bit deeper into the story of the man from Bethesda, a consistent theme emerges: Yeshua’s relationships were complicated, they were human. In healing the man from Bethesda, Yeshua broke the man-law of working on Passover and ignited collective aggression. The man from Bethesda ends up revealing Yeshua’s identity to the authorities; his commitment to Love was second to his impulse for self-preservation, so human really. Yeshua’s “Yes” is unwavering, he teaches that regardless of the group agreement, there is no man-law, fear, or conflict greater than Universal Love.

In August, I was baptized after several years of waiting poolside. I am half Jewish, half Christian and the commitment was not without that “shallow end” young fear. Ancestors, loved ones, mentors took mental residence in their collective opinions. I felt like a child, like the man at the pool, stuck and confused, yet I stayed with the invitation of Love and the unwavering “Yes” arose within my heart. I healed beliefs I had mistaken as safety and identities I imagined were unchangeable. I have never felt so free, at home, or whole in a commitment.

When I returned from being Baptized, many important anchors in my life released. I was so open and unarmored with Christ that my poolside defense pattern didn’t work and I stepped into a “deep end of the pool” healing. I wanted to betray my healing and return back to judgement and fear like the man from the pool, but in courage and through prayer I chose Love. I spent a lot of time in meditation and in one particular sitting I had this beautiful healing: I expanded through the emotion into a timeless, directionless, Peace unanchored by mind. There were no problems, there was no me, it was Love. I experienced a cellular baptism in the womb of Creation, the peace beyond ALL understanding. Yeshua guided me through core pain and to know myself as home and whole in the Silence, leaving Universal Love as the gift within each cell. “In the stillness where meditation leads, the Spirit secretly anoints the soul, and heals our deepest wounds”.

This year with CLM has been a year devoted to experiencing Christ, in Love, through relationships and with community. My stumbling and expansion have been intimately paired in this collective prayer closet of CLM. Each of us is witnessed in our growth over time and across years. Sometimes someone gets stuck and needs help. Sometimes we need to expand our hearts in compassion. Sometimes someone needs to be invited to get up and walk. And sometimes that person is one’s self. It is a beautiful, humbling, and courageous return home.

In so many ways we are all sitting poolside with Yeshua’s clear and loving invitation to rise. AND, we are all Yeshua, unwaveringly patient in our “Yes” to Love, inviting our community to know each other through the heart of God.

Many blessings on the coming year, may your intentions bring healing, Love and growth!

Love, Liza