By Friar Lisa Kay

When I was about eight years old, my parents went out for the evening and an older kid from the neighborhood came over to watch my siblings and me. It was a typical evening with dinner and watching tv, but I remember looking at the books the sitter had brought so they could do their homework. I loved to read so I was curious what ‘the big kids’ did in school. As I looked through the books, I didn’t see anything but words. Big thick books with pages and pages of black and white text…..and no pictures! Up until then all my school books and what I read for fun had illustrations to enhance the story. All I could think of was there was some big secret no one was telling me about getting older and there would only be lots of big words to read to try and understand without pictures. I panicked and froze with fear at the unknown and change. I had no idea how I would understand anything without pictures to help and there was this big secret to getting older that all of a sudden felt very scary.

I never told anyone my fear and just hoped I’d figure it out on my own. Of course I learned to read and understand those big words and the pictures weren’t always necessary but the fear of the unknown stayed with me. Was there anything else that I might not be aware of and make some big mistake? Am I the only one?

We may all have had these fears of the unknown and feeling that we are alone at one time or another, yet we all have a connection to God that, when we are open to listening, the answers are always there. I can always choose – fear or God. It’s the fear that can take me away from the present moment, and into the past where I can be right back at looking at something I think I’ll never understand. It’s God that reminds me that there is more than what I can see or know.

Psalm 46:10 reminds us to ‘Be still and know that I am God’. How can I be still when there’s uncertainty, change is ever present, so much to do and I need to figure out a solution? This has been a constant theme throughout my life. Doing vs. Being. I’ve found connection and flow whenever I’m sewing and working with my hands. Time seems to stand still and I’m able to breathe and connect to God’s Presence. I feel that same connection when I’m swimming as I move through the water, surrounded by the Divine. These are more active meditations and connection. The being in stillness is an ongoing challenge and practice for me. Yet, as I’ve committed to this practice, even when my mind doesn’t want to turn off, I find an even deeper connection to God and hearing solutions that I may not have considered with just my mind. The next steps open up and change seems clearer and without the fear. Something that I’ve been shown in the stillness is how much I still try to figure things out on my own. I don’t ask for help. I can figure it out…..just like the fear of the big books.

As I was preparing to become a Friar earlier this year, it was suggested that I might ask for some assistance from our CLM community to help me prepare. I thought, sure, I’ll ask for help, but I really won’t need much. Well, that uncertainty of the unknown showed up and my helpers Monk Maya and Monk Frank C., as well as so many others offered their support, prayers and encouragement, even when I didn’t know I needed it. It made the unknown shift to lightness and more clarity in my commitment with God. Change and fear of the unknown may be ever present but even more present is the stillness and connection with God.