By Monk Ryan Rigoli
Many years ago at a CLM event, I ran into Padre Paul during a break and suddenly had an overwhelming desire to cry. I fell in his arms and he hugged me. I had no idea why I was crying but in that moment I felt a deep sadness and grief. He understood I was in a process and simply prayed with me knowing that the Divine would take care of the rest. This all happened in the bathroom. Slightly embarrassing at the time, but it was what it was. 🙂
A day later, at the same retreat, Padre asked me in the Communion line to be a novice for the monk program. I had no idea beforehand this would happen, nor did he. It was a spontaneous call of the Spirit. I said yes and wept. To be honest, I didn’t totally know what a novice or a monk was either. Nor how they were connected. (Being a novice is the preparation stage to becoming a monk). I learned that after I said yes 🙂
At the time, there were so many stories I noticed I could hook onto about what was unfolding and unraveling. But something in me knew to simply experience the moment and stay connected to God. I knew I was saying yes to something I didn’t yet fully understand. And I knew on some level my life would be different. There was already a kind of grieving of the past (even before I knew what was happening)— of who I was, of the plans I had for myself, and of what I thought I would be doing with my life.
I was stepping into the unknown.
What felt like a liminal space — stepping through one door but not yet through another –– was extremely uncomfortable for my mind. Yet any attempt to understand its meaning and significance prematurely would have only kept me from fully experiencing something later that was much more transformative and life-giving.
Over the years I’ve had similar experiences of unlayering the chrysalis so to speak – being in that in-between stage. We often avoid stepping through these spaces into unknown territory. Or at least resist them with some amount of effort, unconscious or not. It’s common to feel anxious, exposed, or intimidated when we don’t know what lies next –– in a relationship, with our health or that of a loved one, in a job, or with the state of the world. Or, it could be when relating with others and not knowing how someone might respond or react –– when sharing our heart or a simple truth about ourselves with a colleague, loved one, or a larger community; having a conversation with someone who has an entirely different point of view; or even just smiling at a complete stranger who appears to be having a bad day.
Our minds will do anything to avoid uncertainty and our hearts will often want to close. We’ll create stories, projections, justifications, distractions (God only knows I’ve tried a million different ways) and avoid life in its full unbridled rawness. Life can be intense in its most intimate moments. Yet the body makes room for something bigger to land within us if we allow ourselves to be patient. If we can become intimate with the space of not knowing (not needing to know, be right, or have all the answers right away), we can develop a heart that is truly open to what God is drawing us towards and calling forth within us on how to respond to life, and to others. In essence, a heart that is able to connect to a higher dimension of our Being is one where grace has an entrypoint into our lives.
Keeping an open heart to Presence, even in the midst of life’s uncertainty, can open the doorway to profound healing, inner transformation, and deep inner knowing. When a wave of grief, sadness, or other intense emotion comes up, we can simply know that there is simultaneously an invitation to step through a doorway that Spirit has prepared for our next area of expansion and inner freedom. Deep down we know that this kind of freedom is our birthright, our natural state of being.
May we all be blessed with walking through these infinite doorways of growth with great courage, compassion, and profound grace. May our willingness to be present with the unknown, heart wide open to God’s Presence, be of great service to each other and to our world.
I invite you to join Monk Thomas Hildebrand, student Alexandra Velickovic, and myself on Monday, October 9th for an evening of healing prayer on the topic, “The Unknown is Our Doorway.” We will be sharing personal experiences and prayers around keeping an open Heart to God’s Presence in the face of uncertainty and offer participants a chance to experience deep healing. We look forward to being together with you on the call! Listen to the recording of the tele-service for free here.