By Rev. Barb LeTourneau

During the first week of December my companion cat, Casey, developed a life-threatening illness. The vets said that this is a terminal illness. For fourteen years Casey has been my roommate and a constant in my journey.

This isn’t my first unwanted harvest. I have lost two beloved husbands, one to sudden death and one to divorce. I have done my work, seen the karmic reasons, prayed and, I thought, forgiven, found resolution, and built a life with the Divine. I asked God why would he once again take from me a Being that I love and cherish.

The impending death of my cat resulted in anger at the Divine and rejection of the Presence. I was done with God. Who would want a relationship with someone who let this grief and loss happen repeatedly? Like many unwanted harvests, my grief over Casey’s illness uncovered an unresolved deep well of anger, grief, and blaming. I thought I had resolved all of this. I thought I had grieved and forgiven. I’ve been to India, Brazil, and been ordained in the healing Celebrating Life Ministry. Yet I now hold myself in this angry place.

What do you do when you lose your connection and don’t want it back? When pain and anger are what you feel? Here are two things you can do. First, you can continue your daily prayers and rituals, even if you are only going through the motions. I went on with my usual daily activities. I continued to try to do my morning prayers, my meditations and rituals. Somewhere there is a connection, even if you aren’t feeling it.

The second thing you can do is reach out to your friends and family, especially your spiritual family. I reached out in grief to Padre Paul, my teachers, and my trusted friends.

I got the same message from everyone; don’t try to figure it out. Sit with the pain, the grief and the anger. Feel it and release it but don’t make up stories about it.

So I sat with it. I felt it and released some of it. I found the grief, anger, and self-righteousness and I continue to feel it. I found some things that I am not proud of but can’t yet give up. One of these is a failure to forgive. From my anger about Casey’s illness, I uncovered an unknown well of grief and anger, as my spiritual advisors pointed out. I am angry and refuse to forgive; I thought I had done that years ago. Not only that but I am self-righteous. Releasing these things takes time and it’s hard, the false self of my ego likes to hold on to them, even though this is self-destructive. What’s the saying? Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. I see this.

Then a breakthrough. Mick Jagger said it well, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.”

On Christmas I was saying my morning prayers and The Presence spoke to me. I heard the words in my head. Here is what I heard to the best of my recollection. “All of your life you have used people and animals as a substitute for my Presence. When they leave, you feel empty and alone. When Casey became ill rather than realize that I am the Presence you turned away from me in grief and anger because you told yourself that I was going to leave you alone again. I want you to know that your beloved cat is merely a conduit for my Presence which is always with you, filling your home, every room and your life. Whenever Casey dies, he will not take the Presence with him. Please don’t make that mistake again. You will miss his cat energy but you will always have the Presence.” For me, this was the word of the Lord. And maybe I’m not the only one who has mistaken a person or animal or object for The Presence.

“There’s a crack in everyone, it’s how the Light gets in.” Leonard Cohen

Where am I now? I continue to struggle trying to find my way back to the Divine. Forgiveness is the key to my freedom. I have set an intention to let go and to forgive. But I’m not quite ready. An unwanted harvest gives us a lot to sit with. I see where I am broken and the way to heal to a more consistent joyful life. We’re all broken but it’s hard for our egos to see it.

Richard Rohr teaches that love and the true self have to be worked towards and received by facing our false self-preference for fear, anger, and self-righteousness. When Jesus was on the cross, he didn’t throw negative energy around even though it was directed at him. He kept it inside, transformed and transmuted it into something better, set it free, and refused to pass it on. When you find the unwanted harvest, set your intention to let go and forgive, and to forgive yourself, letting go of self-reproach. I’m working on it.

Running With the Horses

In Scripture Jeremiah 12:1-6, Jeremiah was experiencing suffering and adversity. He went to the Lord seeking a solution. Rather than save us God sometimes tells us to prepare ourselves for challenges. Here is what He told Jeremiah:

“Life is difficult Jeremiah. Are you going to quit at the first difficulty? Are you going to live cautiously or courageously? I called you to live at your best, to pursue righteousness. It is easier to relax in the arms of the average. Easier but not better. I called you to a life of purpose… but you are ready to quit. If you are fatigued by the run of the mill, what will you do when the real race starts, the race with the swift and determined horses of excellence? Do you want to shuffle along with this crowd, Jeremiah, or do you want to run with the horses?”

Jeremiah was not quick or spontaneous in his answer, nor have I been. But like Jeremiah, I want my life to be my answer “I’ll run with the horses.”

Use your unwanted harvest to find your true self, make your life your answer to God. Run with the horses.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.