By Student Stephanie Sword

Sometimes I wonder when I will have surrendered enough. It feels like I am being shown more and more what else needs to be surrendered. Every experience seems to be a ‘let go of that too” moment. I have always felt that the only thing I was resistant to surrendering was my children, even though logically I knew they were never mine to surrender in the first place. They came through me but do not belong to me. In my heart, they will always be my babies. In the last couple months, I have taken one son to college in another state to start his journey into adulthood. I have also watched another son navigate his road to discovering what it means for him to be a man. Something I know nothing about and cannot provide any guidance. Surrendering my desire to control their paths isn’t easy but I am learning to trust God’s plan for them. But there is something else I have learned I didn’t want to surrender.

I recently got back from the West of Heaven in Novato. While I was sitting in meditation I was having a series of pictures come up. With each one, I knew it was something that I needed to place on the altar. Surrender it to God. There were so many. It felt like I had too many tabs open on a computer, when I closed one there was another right behind. With each picture, I started to grow more frustrated. Another one? When is this done? My heart started to go into conversation with God. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I get it. Surrender, surrender, surrender. Everything! I get it…..I’m tired of surrendering I just want to be with you, God”. What I heard in response was “Surrender that as well”. A wall of resistance swelled up inside me. My heart responded, “Surrender my desire to be with you? Why would I do that? Then I will have nothing.” Following was a great silence. I was quiet, waiting for a response. I settled back into my meditation, allowing the presence to fill me. Then I heard these words with a deep tenderness “If you want to be with me then just BE with me.”

Rumi said “Don’t look for water, be thirsty. Your thirst attracts God because your longing for God is God’s longing for you.” Now I practice. I practice accessing the presence anytime, anywhere, anyway. What does God’s presence look like and feel like for ME? So often I look at other people and want what they have. Their God connection. Surrendering means I enter into my own heart, not someone else’s heart. I understand I will always be thirsty but now I know it is safe to surrender my thirst and how it will be satisfied by God.