Children want an honest relationship. To feel loved, to be seen and protected. There has always been a part of me that just loves God. As a child, I loved the light and had so much joy in sharing that light, my light, with others. There were times when I heard keys in the front door, I would run to the front door shouting out “Daddy’s home, Daddy’s home ” other times, it would be putting on a theatrical show in the living room, giving family members a 10-minute curtain call, so all could be gathered together. Those were early examples of me being authentic, in my light.

When I was born, my mother’s post-traumatic stress was triggered, it was then I started compromising my light/truth to be accepted by her. I had to be in a “lesser than” space for her to give me any attention, lesser than meaning being in a worse state than she was, hurt, sick, or injured. This is a pattern she learned from her mother, my grandmother. I learned to start dimming my light.
A child will cling to a dysfunctional parent, for if we are abandoned we die.
I became my mother’s emotional spouse for survival and did everything I could to save her.
I got traumatized over and over as I had an inability to protect myself or set boundaries.
A child cannot bear emotional abuse or abandonment without losing herself.
I built my life on saving my mother and developed a dis-ease called codependency, a loss of self-identity, clinging to her by embodying her stance and taking on her traits. There is no loyalty in self-sacrifice. That is a slow and very painful suicide. I dimmed my light a little more without knowing it, I was shutting my light every time I was silenced. What I learned to do with her, I, in adult life expected this relating to others. And these behaviors would get triggered by people and I would shut down. The shutting down is from old neurological imprints as I clear, I am clearing these childhood traumas I don’t need to shut down, I can stay more in my light more I have more choice. I have more freedom. This freedom creates space to allow me to receive.

Today is my birthday and as a gift to myself, I just completed The Process weekend seminar for the second time. I was reminded that boundaries are not against the person, boundaries are set for a person’s behavior. The Process is a form of deep confession. It takes great courage to go back into charged childhood scenes where knowingly or unknowingly I gave up a part of myself. Either way results in a dimming of the true self. This time my going back into the past is being supported by the process therapists who are an anchoring of compassion and clear, wise insight.
I continue my path of growing in life-giving new awarenesses.

Today, my mother will most likely not call, text, or send a card. I feel a genuine sadness in not having a relationship with my mother but sadness is no longer my dwelling place. It has taken a long time to get to this place and accept that my mother, because of her own wounding, cannot love me unless I am in the “lesser than” space.
You see, I have learned to stabilize and set a healthy boundary with her. A boundary being, a consistent light that allows me to be me. I am no longer available to self-neglect and give myself up. I am now working on these traumas, I am now learning to set a boundary with people that made me feel as though I had to hide my light and getting out of the prison, these have been blocks to my true light, removing these blocks I have compassion for their situation and for the lineage.

I have a commitment to be true to myself and learn to accept new ways of believing and acting. My mother is welcome to join me in that space; however, I will not be joining her in the old way. This is a service I offer my mother, this is love. At times, I talk to my mother in spirit and she wants me to be free from the prison of my childhood. I pray the same for her and all of you that are reading this.

My life has honestly been like climbing the Himalayas, a very tough climb, with many, many valleys. Looking back, there has been a guiding light sustaining me the whole way. Real transformation takes time. This is a journey of my own unique path discovering my true vital authentic self. As I am learning more and more to clear these early reactions, constraints, of my past which often have felt like boulders, I get to the raw pain of being separate from God. As I heal, my channel is more open and I can stay in it more. I am writing about this because this is what I have to go through to reclaim My light. Moving forward, staying in my light is more of a choice. It is because of this awareness of how I shut down that I can have the choice to stay with GOD.

“You remain close to me and lead me through all the way. Your authority is my strength and peace. You anoint me with the fragrance of your holy spirit. You give me all that I can drink of you, until my heart overflows. For I am being pursued only by your goodness and unfailing love”.

Psalm 23

Responsibility is “A guiding light,” meaning responding appropriately to circumstances.

Loving God, Awaken me, Let me live my days being a presence of true love and truth wherever I am.

I push, I pull, go back and forth finding myself
Pounding on a locked door
I try to make it out alone without your help
But I know I will never win this war

I can never be, free without you
I will never be, me without you

This is the sound of chains breaking
This is the sound of a heart changing
This is a song of a soul forgiven
This is my freedom hymn….

This is my freedom hymn….

“Freedom Hymn” by Austin French